Password: tween

Transcript:

So we know that we don't want to live in the chaos of our tweens and young teens, friendship and autonomy and independence. Right. We don't want to be just so far out of our kiddos orbit that we don't know what's happening. And we know that we don't want to be so rigid that, uh, we choke our children's ability to experience friendships, great friendships, awful friendships, and, um, what works for them and independence and autonomy.

And we also know that we don't want to bing-bong back and forth. So we know that we don't want on one hand to be like, Oh, I don't care who you were with or who you talk to, where you go and then realize that's gone too far and then clamped down in this way that is suffocating and punishing, right? And then get sick of that and then swing back to the extreme, right? So, so swinging back and forth and staying in the extremes are not, you know what we want inspiring Class. And each person watching this Caregiver and grandma, nanny, whoever you are, your messy middle is your own.

So as I have written here, you consider your young teens, maturity and development to guide how much independence is appropriate. You monitor not hover nor ignore friendships and support your treatment between when they struggle. So Finding your messy middle, Meghan, how do I find my messy middle?

Number one, number one, Where Is your kid developmentally? Truly, right. So if you tell me, my kid has executive functioning issues, ADHD, or some other issues that may, um, prohibit them from, uh, making sound judgments all the time, or they rushed to judgment or rushed to action. Your messy middle is going to look more toward rigid. Not it's not going to be rigid. It just might skew in that direction. Why? Because as you see on the slide, it says support your tween. When they struggle, we know that a kiddo with ADHD, um, self-confidence is inordinately tied to how badly they feel about the lack of control they have over their decision-making and some of their actions.

And so if you are chronically allowing them be put in harm's way with friendships and independence and autonomy, To me that is not supportive, Right? In order to be a supportive parent, you need to skew toward a little bit of rigidity. It won't be that way forever. You are going to skill build with your tween and young teen to help them a adopt critical thinking skills, decision-making skills, how to slow down, et cetera, et cetera. Right? And if you don't know how to do that, call your pediatrician, call your therapist, call your psychiatrist, call your psychologist. I mean, there's a billion books out there, right? Skill building with kids, with executive functioning issues and any immaturity Is tantamount. And So we, in order to support them, we have to maybe be a bit more rigid. That is your messy middle.

You may find that you have a, tween or young teen who is extraordinarily mature. When we look at their maturity, their development, they're pretty, you know, on par with typical norms and you give them a bit more leeway because the errors will not crush them.

So When we look at the word support, it means that your tween or young teen can handle the amount of, uh, trouble pain and et cetera, that comes their way with your support, such that that trouble and pain will build resilience and not just harden their hearts. So if you have a kid who's proven themselves to be, uh, trustworthy and, or, um, they have a good picker when it comes to friends, they will still miss, make mistakes, but you can let that messy middle, uh, go a little more towards chaos or just the lack of chronic control.

Right Now. You may say, Meghan, I have multiple kids in my family. You're telling me that I can allow, you know, one kid to have like friends and go run the neighborhood. And one kid, I have to watch a little more. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And, Uh, we do our selves, a huge disservice when we think that fairness in a family means equal treatment of all kids, despite their development and maturity, Despite that, that, um, that doesn't make any sense. Now, a lot of us growing up were never paid that kind of consideration. But that doesn't mean we need to drag it into this generation. And I would argue that the trouble that comes from not paying attention to your, different kids' needs is worse. Then the inconvenience of parenting them different, Right? Finding your messy middle depends on your ability to support your young teens development, immaturity and the mistakes and failures they make in friendship and independence, which they will result with your support in learning resilience, skill building. And the idea that, that, that can be applied into the next step. So This can be hard to figure out if you have been rigid or chaotic or Bing-bonging finding this messy middle may feel like you are deep, deep, deep in a maze. So let's take a look at some easy steps we can take to find our messy middle when it comes to friendships and independence.

Lesson Activity

Grab Your Journal:

1. What are the TRUE developmental needs of your tween/young teen? NOT how you think they should be. NOT how you think they shouldn't be. Who are they, really?

2. What is your instinct telling you about the messy middle? Where does it land for you?

3. If you were to zoom out, what leads to the pendulum-swinging? Is there a fight, a button-pushed, a limit reached that leads to one extreme or the other? The more specific you can get, the more you can help yourself find the middle.

4. The middle is messy for a reason. There is uncertainty, imperfection, mistakes galore and worry that lives here...but this is where the growth is, too! The messy middle allows for endless flexibility and reassessment...and that can feel mighty relaxing. How would it feel to be more free in the messy middle?