Password: tween

Transcript: 

Okay. You're like great, Meghan, this is all lovely. I'm swinging. I'm too rigid. I'm too chaotic. I'd have no idea what my middle is. What do I do? I hear you all right.

Number one. Know your tween. Know your tween and young teen. Maybe you have an idea of how they were when they were little and maybe they've changed right under your nose and you have no clue. So it's time to get to know them. Again. We do that through connection, connection, connection. You have to start putting yourself into their orbit and play it cool. Don't be like super needy and weird. Yes. You're going to have to push a little, but just, you know, come at it gently and easily. Don't be frantic and needy about it.

So go back to the connection slides earlier in this class and look at what can I do to connect to this tween and young teen in front of me right now, gaming, shopping, um, cooking, sports, hiking, movies, music, driving. I don't care. Just get into their orbit. Right?

Number two, get your facts straight. If you are like, no, Meghan, you don't understand. Kids are getting kidnapped every day. Okay. I need you to fact check some of those things. I trust that you found this class. So you know how to Google, Google what you're worried about. Maybe you're right. Maybe your worst fear is true, but I can almost guarantee, but not totally, almost guarantee that it's not almost everything you're worried about in terms of friendships with our kids is not as bad as you think. Yes, there's bullying. Yes. There's problems, but it's not usually on the scope that we imagine it.

And for your parents that are like, whatever, they're fine. Also there's issues around anxiety and depression and things of that nature. So get your facts straight. Actually know what you need to deal with. And you don't even need to buy a book to do that. But if you want to a quick zoom around your local bookstore will yield what you need.

Now, if you tend to be chaotic, right? Which means that you just don't really involve yourself in any of their friendships. Um, they are maybe a little too independent and you're like, let me not control them, but gather them in. If you think about that. So you're not going to try and control them. You're trying to gather them into your circle, to your being to your way. Right? So if you're trying to do that, you want to create and cultivate experiences where they can bring their friends. Um, if you just set up stuff at your house where everyone's welcome movie nights, popcorn nights, cooking. I mean, I'm always going back because tweens and young teens love food. If you're the parent that drives them everywhere and kind of just like waits in the car, or if you are the parent coming up with ideas to take them to hikes or music parks or whatever cool thing they want to do, right? You can start to be the parent that is a little bit at the center, right?

If you tend toward rigidity, I want you to start to call a meeting, you know, call meetings with your kids and say, Hey, it turns out I've been controlling you based on some old ideas that aren't really true. So I think it's time for more freedoms. Let's like slowly wade into the water, right? Again, you don't want to just like give them everything, no rules, whatever, but start to have meetings with your teens and young teens around what that would look like, how that would feel. Again, baby steps in all of it. You don't have to go like hardcore all the way let's like do all the things. Remember messy middle is messy for a reason.

Finally, a big, big tip here is be prepared for your child to not always be on board with all of your ideas. What does this mean? This means that your kiddo has been accustomed to how the family runs, whether or not it runs well, everyone's accustomed. Everyone's in the Kabuki theater. Everyone's playing the roles and when you try and do something, even if it's positive, that change and transition will result in discomfort and your child may not appreciate your efforts.

And there may be sass, disrespectful language and body language. And I'm just going to challenge you to yes, if it's awful address it, but do not go down a hole of punishment. And, um, that's not allowed and that's not remember we are redoing our behavior, not theirs. So just be prepared for that. Just be prepared. Okay.

Finally, allowing yourself and saying aloud to the kids. "We're just moving in this direction, buddy, sweetheart, we are just going toward more freedom or toward more family involvement or more mommy involvement or daddy or caretaker." This makes room for failure, mistakes. And just that you guys are moving in a direction. It's not perfect. Nothing's perfect here. But connection is at the bottom of all of it.

Lesson Activity

Grab Your Journal:

1. If you are chaotic, what are three concrete ways to gather your tween back into your fold? Again, check how your tween receives love (see the image above) and find three ways to offer that in a way that supports autonomy and their friendships.

2. If you are rigid, what are three concrete ways to allow more trust in the relationship with your tween? You don't have to take away your support, full-stop, but where is there room for you to get into the passenger seat (rather than the driver's seat). Choose three ways to allow this freedom.

3. If you swing back and forth, identify the buttons that keep you either controlling or giving up. Is it the fights? The sass? The lack of knowledge? What is the new plan, in that moment? Make this as simple as possible. Small changes that stick are better than big changes that fail.