Password: tween

Transcript: 

Hey everybody. So in full disclosure, I grew up in the seventies and eighties and I can't really see without my glasses. We were the latch key generation. I do not identify as a latchkey kid. Um, and there's nothing wrong with it. If you do. What's interesting is that my generation people in our mid forties, a little bit older, a little bit younger, we're really left to our own devices. We were left to figure out, um, our friendships, our burgeoning, autonomy and independence. Um, how we navigated in the world socially, we were on our own for, um, many cultural reasons. And I'm really speaking as a white woman, right? So there are many cultures in America for whom this was not the case, right? And there were certain things happening in our society that, that made it. So, you know, women were joining the workforce, um, very quickly. And, the idea of this kind of the mom stays at home and the dad goes to work. It was still very entrenched, but it was changing rapidly under our feet and childcare, after school care, all those systems you see now were not in place. So it was pretty much like get off the bus and go home and, you know, make a pop tart and wait.

And so this left many parents now with a history and a story of what was just like, it was me and my friends and we figured it out and we were on our own and things when things were really bad when we were young, we worked it out or not. Um, and when things were good, that was also good. Nobody really asked a lot of us about our interior world, nor did they ask about if we were ready or not for certain activities in our tweens and young teens, um, this brought some gifts and some major problems.

So on one hand we were to live out and up to our fullest maturation, right? Um, we, we proved ourselves to be able-bodied able minded and, um, industrious and, um, smart like humans are on the other hand, it left many children open to extraordinary bullying, becoming the bully, um, early friendship and sexual experiences that were not appropriate for the age, uh, a certain level of secrecy around, um, our lives. Um, and, and certainly a lack of, kind of support about the hardships.

So a lot of kids from my generation, a lot of adults were left to kind of turn to their friends for support and advice who didn't actually know better than we did, or even knew worse, which is kind of a Lord of the flies mentality. So now we are raising our kids. Now you may not identify with this generation, but it's useful for you to know this because it's the water you're swimming in.

So if you identify as being from this generation, even just right below it, um, you may feel that your childhood was fine and that maybe you were on your own or not, and it worked out. It was good. And so in your mind that feels appropriate for your tweens and young teens.

Now, whether or not it is you see, because we kind of have, it was good enough for me, it's good enough for my kids. And in many cases, that's true. But if you are having problems or if there is something amiss in your home, or if something isn't adding up or you're starting to have this feeling of, I feel like I'm losing my kid, that needs to be listened to you should heed that. Our kids developmentally speaking, are not meant to be left to their own devices in the way that Americans tend to leave them. They don't need monitoring and they don't need control per se, but they need age and developmentally appropriate, support love, and, some guidance and boundaries. Um, because tweens and young teens are experiencing so much, so quickly. They're full of hormones and big feelings. And because they have trouble making sense of it because of how myopic their thinking can be parents and caregivers proved to be sounding boards.

And again, back to your attachment village, you don't have to be that sounding board. It can be an aunt, a godmother, a grandmother, friend, but still adults need to be present. And in great parenting cultures around the world, there was always a scaffolding of, older, to younger with autonomy growing and growing and growing appropriately.

So if you feel that your family is not being served by the friendships and the independence that you've offered, if you feel that you're becoming islands of from each other, if you feel that your child continuously makes mistakes and does not learn from them, then the chaos in this end is really, really hurting everyone, right? And there's suffering that can grow us up. And then there's suffering that can grow us down. That is something we have to persevere through. And the loss is greater than the gain. I think many of you know, um, that you've survived your childhoods and especially your tween and young teens, some of you with big T trauma and some of you with little T trauma, but many of you survived it and it actually doesn't need to be that way. Okay. It doesn't actually need to be that way.

So All of this to say is if you're really on the chaotic side and staying there, you don't have to swing violently that's not what this course is about. It's about inching, just little bits by little bits into that, that middle space, that messy middle, where you can start to add Yourself into your child's life, into their friendships and independence and autonomy in a way that feels, um, um, easy, um, and appropriate. Will it be awkward? Like you bet. I mean, if you are not accustomed to having really, almost any interest in your tween and young teen social life, and then you take interest, there's going to be a shit ton of side-eye. Um, there might be some open hostility.

So, you know, this is a practice where we tip toe into that messy middle with lots of failure, uh, with lots of practice at our feelings not being hurt because our kid may or may not want us or with the shame that may come when your child openly loves and adores that you want to be a part of his or her life or their life. And you'll think why didn't I do this earlier? Right? It's all okay. We're just looking at making small changes, so let's keep going.

Lesson Activity

GYJ:

If you feel that you are on the chaotic side of parenting, what do you think that is about? How did you grow up, and what was messaged to you about your parent's involvement in your friendships, social life, and independence?

Were there two different messages that were confusing?

Are you rebelling against being controlled by offering your own child too much freedom?

Are you in agreement with your partner about what is necessary for your tween? Do you disagree and hence, do nothing to step into your child's life?

Are you afraid of your tween's derision, rudeness, and anger if you try to place boundaries or even interest?